Explain yourself, Mr Leterrier…

I paid nine pounds for the privilege of watching Clash of the Titans in 3D. I am more upset over losing this nine pounds than I am the 40 quid I paid for a flight to Belfast which never left the airport. I just have a few questions to ask Louis Leterrier…

1. When you read the script, which was full of platitudes, cliches and mythical errors, did you really think, ‘yes, this will make an excellent movie?’

2. How come Sam Worthington got to keep the buzz cut while everyone else sported the (probably) more historically correct longer locks?

3. Why, oh why, after all the advances in digital filmmaking and special effects, did Medusa still look like something out of a video game?

4. Was there really any need for it to be 3D? Did it add to the film in any way or did you just want to jump on the bandwagon?

5. Were you purposely going for irony with the awful one dimensional characters in your 3D film? The meaningless dialogue prevented any audience from connecting with Perseus and the gang.

6. I’m pretty sure Io was turned into a cow, not Gemma Arterton. After Zeus had her wicked way with her, he turned her into one to hide her from his wife, the vengeful Hera. Did you realise this, or did you desperately need eye candy to make the film work?

7. What the hell was Voldemort doing there?

8. Why couldn’t Zeus make up his mind? First he didn’t care about his son, then he just wants to protect him, then he releases the Krakken on his ‘beloved’ humans.

9. The Krakken and the Djinn do not originate in Greek mythology; why not throw in Thor or Loki for good measure? They might have at least made the film a little less bland.

10. You’re a good director; you rescued the Hulk from oblivion by adding depth to the big green lump, and you made The Transporter; a fabulous action-packed film with charm and wit. Where did it all go wrong with Clash of the Titans??

What do you think? Am I right to be this harsh, or should I cut him some slack because of his previous work?

The obligatory Oscars blog

Armed with my Red Bull and computer, and tucked up under my duvet in my very cold living room, I took advantage of having Sky television, and watched the 82^nd Annual Academy Awards. This is a fairly new tradition for me, having only started watching the full show, as opposed to finding out the results online, last year. With the Golden Globes and the Baftas I have no problem finding out who won what the next day through various internet sources, but the Oscars come imbibed with so much glamour and Hollywood magic, I feel I’m missing out if I don’t stay up to an obscene hour to watch them. Maybe they hold them on a Sunday evening to test the devotion of overseas fans, or maybe not.

I decided this year that I would not sit idly by and simply try and remember all the points I wanted to make for this blog. Twitter is a marvellous thing, and it is a tool, as a self-confessed Luddite, I am very slowly yet maddeningly falling in love with. I documented my thoughts on the evening’s proceedings religiously on the social networking site, joined by Empire and Total Film magazines. Click here to see my full Twitter page with all the night’s musings.

The proceedings started off bizarrely with the nominees for Best Actor and Actress just standing on stage, almost as if it were an auction of some kind. This was followed by a highly random performance from Neil Patrick Harris, but it instilled so much joy in me, as I have been in love with him ever since watching an awful yet brilliant TV movie, The Man in the Attic several years ago (I’m a little too young to remember him as Doogie Howser). His performance in Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog cemented my undying love and admiration, and he’s now in my Top 5 favourite actors (expect post on that in the coming days).

Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were hosting this year, but while they were good, I yearned for the more showy nature of Hugh Jackman’s opening song from last year. It was more old school and it harkened back to the Golden Age of cinema, when it was all about the glamour and the performance. As time has gone on, the Oscars have become more synonymous with razor-sharp wit and satire, which is what the duo were going for. There were some great one liners, but they seemed a bit too wooden in their delivery. It was only in the little skits that were scattered across the duration that they truly excelled. Their version of Paranormal Activity had me almost crying with laughter, especially when a possessed-looking Steve Martin hovered over Alec Baldwin.

The evening played out in a very predictable manner, with the only surprise being the two favourites to win the Best Foreign Film were ousted for an Argentinean movie, The Secret in Her Eyes. Jeff Bridges received Best Actor, the hot favourite, although I really wish Jeremy Renner had swooped in from nowhere and snatched it. It would have been a surprise win for Team The Hurt Locker as he was up against stiff competition, but him winning would have added a bit more spice to a rather bland occasion. Sandra Bullock took home the Best Actress accolade and this made me incredibly happy. I grew up when Sandra Bullock was in her hey-day with films like Speed and While You Were Sleeping. It saddened me to see her fade into the mist as I hit the latter end of my teen years so to see her now, striding right back to the top is amazing. As the evening progressed, it became obvious that Hurt Locker was going to get Best Film, and Kathryn Bigelow get Best Director, as it trumped Avatar 6 awards to 3. Avatar won all the obvious technical awards, but there really was no competition. Many people say that it was not Best Film-worthy as it didn’t have the calibre of script or acting, which may be true, but it cannot be faulted for its technological advances. Anyone who’s seen it in 3-D can tell you that it pulls you into a whole new world and makes you believe, for those two and a half hours, that you are running and flying with the Na’Vi.

I’ve decided to hold my own awards for the night itself, which I have listed below. Can you suggest any other contenders for these categories?

Best Presenters

Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jnr    – a bit of playful banter about the actor versus writer, resulting in the fabulous line from RDJ, calling writers ‘sickly mole people’.

Most Dullest Presenters

Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker – there was no chemistry between them, merely put together as they are ‘fashionistas’ and they both had the dullest delivery. Then again, I have never been impressed with SJP.

Best Speech

Sandra Bullock – she managed to pay homage to her fellow nominees in a sincere yet light-hearted way and perfectly demonstrated why the Oscar in her hand was well deserved.

“Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down? I would like to thank the Academy for allowing me in the last month to have the most incredible ride with rooms full of artists that I see tonight and that I’ve worked with before and I hope to work with in the future, who inspire me and blaze trails for us. Four of them that I’ve fallen deeply in love with I share this night with and I share this award with.

Gabby, I love you so much. You are exquisite. You are beyond words to me. Carey, your grace and your elegance and your beauty and your talent makes me sick. Helen, I feel like we are family through family and I don’t have the words to express just what I think of you. And Meryl, you know what I think of you and you are such a good kisser.

I have so many people to thank for my good fortune in this lifetime and this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, I know. To the family that allowed me to play them, the Tuohy family, I know they’re in here and you’ll probably hear her in a minute. Maybe not. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to… the family that made this film that gave me the opportunity to do something different. John Lee Hancock, Gil Netter, Alcon, Warner Bros., the actors, everyone who’s shown me kindness when it wasn’t fashionable, I thank you. To everyone who was mean to me when it wasn’t… George Clooney threw me in a pool years ago. I’m still holding a grudge. But there’s so many people to thank.

Not enough time, so I would like to thank what this film is about for me which are the moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from. Those moms and parents never get thanked. I, in particular, failed to thank one. So… if I can take this moment to thank Helga B. for not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18 because she was right. I would’ve done what she said I was gonna do. For making me practice every day when I got home. Piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist, you had to practice every day, and for reminding her daughters that there’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love. So, to that trailblazer, who allowed me to have that. And this. And this. I thank you so much for this opportunity that I share with these extraordinary women and my lover Meryl Streep. Thank you.”

Best Line in a Speech

I love you more than rainbows” – uttered by Ryan Bingham, when collecting Best Original Song (The Weary Kind from Crazy Heart). Sublime.

Worst Speech

Sandy Powell – Making everyone love her when going to collect the Best Costume Design gong, by saying in a not-at-all cute manner that she’s already got two of ‘these’ at home. The rest of the speech followed in the same manner so I’m shocked she got any applause when walking off the stage.

Tear-jerker of the Night

Geoffrey Fletcher’s acceptance speech – The winner of Best Adapted Screenplay, for Precious, was almost breathless while tearfully thanking everyone, and his innocent unbridled emotion at winning was extremely touching.

It narrowly beat out the John Hughes memorial montage; his films are perfectly suited for that kind of emotional montage. He was a great director.

Best Dressed (Female)

Zoe Saldana – this dress stood out from the others, and I love the different tones of blue and purple combined with the glittery, princess-like top-half (as you can see from this description, I haven’t quite perfected the art of fashion journalism).

Best Dressed (Male)

Gerard Butler and Jake Gyllenhall – ok, let’s face it, they all looked the same, with the abundance of Dickie bows but I wanted to be fair to both sexes. It’s a (bow)tie (sorry) between these two gents, as they both looked so damn suave in their tuxedos, having the broad shoulders and chest to look truly manly.

Hey! Isn’t that the guy from the place with the thing?

Aaron Johnson is everywhere right now. He is the newest hot young man loved by film critics and award committees, but he is not tarnished by being the focal point of unhealthy obsession by teenage girls everywhere. He is the antithesis to Robert Pattinson, which for film purists, is already a massive bonus. The new John Lennon biopic and the super awesome Kick Ass will cement his reputation as the newest legitimate offering from these shores to Hollywood.

Some of you may be asking, who is this Aaron Johnson and where did he come from? I remember seeing him a year ago when channel surfing on Sky Movies and being sucked into a film called Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. I didn’t want to watch it but it seemed to fulfill every romantic fantasy I had as a 14-year-old girl.  In that guilty pleasure of a film, was Aaron Johnson, and a quick IMDB search later confirmed that as a much younger child he played a young Charlie Chaplin in the awful sequel Shanghai Knights.

This got me thinking. I’m a big fan of catching old lesser-known movies on television and spotting household names in tiny parts and cameos. Even better is re-watching an old film and recognizing faces and seeing names you hadn’t even heard of when first watching the film. It is a relief to know that, like me at this present moment, everyone has had to start from the bottom and climb that career ladder slowly. Most actors in Hollywood have not achieved stardom straight away but have paid their dues in the smaller TV and straight-to-video movies. As you know, I’m a bigger fan of lists, so here are the most notable examples of these surprise appearances.

Aaron Johnson: Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging to Nowhere Boy

He went from a cheeky Chappie to the exact opposite as a young John Lennon. For his role in Nowhere Boy Johnson trained his voice so he could sing like Lennon and studied hours of footage so he could learn the Beatle’s mannerisms and movement. I can imagine that his only preparation for playing Robbie in Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging involved practicing the dewy eyed look to melt those teenagers’ hearts.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: House Arrest to Heartbreakers

She went from a virginal pubescent just wanting her parents to get back together in House Arrest, to a money-hungry sex siren in Heartbreakers. A natural progression, which many child stars like herself went through to try and escape their clean cut image. Of course, she realized that maybe her original image was for the best so she became a good little wifey who helped ghosts find the white light in Ghost Whisperer.

Christian Bale: Mary, Mother of Jesus to Batman Begins

I am proud to say that I had my eye on Christian Bale way before he became Batman. I fell in love with him when I saw him as Laurie in Little Women when I was the tender age of thirteen. An unhealthy obsession with him started, with me eager to see every film he had ever been in, so it was with great delight, when channel surfing all those years ago, to catch the made-for-tv movie Mary, Mother of Jesus. He turned in a convincing performance as the Son of God himself, and I guess the whole saving mankind idea stuck in his head as he donned the black mask and pointy ears six years later.

Tom Cruise: Far and Away to Tropic Thunder

He certainly has progressed far from playing the Irish man with a crush on Nicole Kidman. His terrible accent was forgiven as he churned out hit after hit, from Cocktail all the way through to Minority Report. I was going to choose Top Gun to Mission Impossible 2, but then I realized that nothing’s changed much there, as his ego in both films eclipsed all hints at a character other than ‘Tom Cruise’. At least in Tropic Thunder, Cruise left his ego at home, along with the perfect hair and the ‘serious-face’ acting.

Alyssa Milano: Commando to Poison Ivy

I suppose this was the natural conclusion of the traumatizing kidnap ordeal.

Aaron Eckhart: Erin Brockovich to The Dark Knight

I watched the film The Core, another guilty pleasure of mine (I have a lot of them) and it shocked me when doing my obligatory IMDB search to discover that the hero who saved the world from evil birds and freak lightning storms, was also the hairy biker from Erin Brockovich. He has proved his acting chops in most of his films (I’ve forgiven him for No Reservations) and it was only a matter of time after Thank You For Smoking that he hit the big time.

Bradley Cooper: Alias to A Team

As you had probably guessed from the post below this one, I am a huge fan of Alias. One of my favourite characters was Will Tippin, the weedy yet rather hot friend of super spy Sydney Bristow. His rise to fame has been alarmingly fast ever since his appearance in the ensemble film He’s Just Not That Into You, even though he had practice playing a cheating lover in Wedding Crashers. Now he’s set to play Templeton “Faceman’ Peck in the new A Team film, and another ensemble romantic drama, Valentine’s Day. I have a firm belief that he is the new less annoying Matthew McConaughey…minus the bongos.

Matthew Goode: Chasing Liberty to Watchmen

I am slightly shamed to admit the only reason Matthew Goode is on this list is because I found him incredibly sexy in Chasing Liberty and lesbian rom-com, Imagine Me and You, when I presumed him just another unknown generic hottie. Clearly Woody Allen (Match Point) and Zach Snyder thought otherwise.

Jennifer Garner: Dude Where’s My Car to Elektra

This is one girl who has definitely climbed her way to the A-list through traditional methods, like hard work and starting off small. She has cameos peppered across many films from 2000 onwards, including Pearl Harbour and Catch Me if You Can until the success from Alias launched her into the stratosphere. She has appeared in a string of average films, with the exception of Juno, never fully shining as she did in her television show.

Ben Affleck: Buffy The Vampire Slayer to Pearl Harbour

To finish off, here’s Ben Affleck, who like his wife, (see above) has steadily climbed his way to the top from indie films to blockbusters. The fact that he has talent as a writer and actor boded well for him, but before he co-penned the great Good Will Hunting, he had a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo in the film that sparked the massively successful television show, Buffy The Vampire Slayer. The picture is a still from the movie, but for all you die-hard Affleck films, the clip of him is below (for some reason I could only find it in Spanish).

“Why so serious?”

IMDB users have voted The Dark Knight the top film of the decade, beating the likes of the The Departed, Inglorious Basterds (Tarantino’s best in my opinion, tied with Pulp Fiction) and Spirited Away.

I’m not arguing that Nolan’s second take on the Bat franchise isn’t good. It’s an amazing film, with solid action sequences (the huge lorry flipping over is an awesome stunt) and plenty of emotion with the dialogue being on the right side of cheesy. The film gives out several messages; such as there is evil in the world but there is also human courage, and a hero does what he has to, and sometimes that means becoming a villain. All very deep stuff. But think back to where Batman came from, way back before Christian Bale,  Val Kilmer, Michael Keaton and Adam West (legend). Batman lived in a comic book, and not just any comic book; a comic book about superheroes.

The word ‘super’ comes from Latin, and it means over, or above. Over time it has come to mean many more things in the English language, but if you take the original meaning, then a ‘superhero’ should be above everything else. In most cases, they are, in strength, brains or levels of radioactiveness. However, ‘super’ should also mean above reality. Superheroes don’t exist in real life (contrary to the upcoming film Kick Ass), they exist in comic books and now films and television. Therefore, they are above reality (stay with me, I have a point and it’s coming very soon). Christopher Nolan has taken Batman away from the nippled-batsuits and the cheesy sidekicks (even though I do want Nolan to introduce Robin and see how he does it) and planted smack bang in the middle of reality. I loved how in the Kilmer and Clooney films, Gotham is this over-the-top city with monstrous architecture and an unreal quality to it. The city complemented the freaky villains; as unreal as the caped crusader himself. It is very noble of Nolan to place Batman in what is essentially post 9/11 New York…at nighttime…in its most dangerous areas, and he does a pretty good job of guessing what it would be like if there was a masked vigilante running the streets, but Batman is a superhero, meant to exist above reality, not in it. Yeah, the film’s great, but do we really need another form of escapism snatched away from us. It’s what I call Jason Bourne-itis; named after the eponymous hero of the Bourne trilogy*.

Jason Bourne came along and wowed cinema-goers with his no-nonsense approach to kicking ass. No quips, no gadgets, just himself and a Bic pen. People lapped him up, loving this new kind of hero. Which was fine. The Bourne series is meant to be troubled and it uses the grimy rainy streets of Europe perfectly to reflect the atmosphere in Bourne’s mind. I suppose he was the backlash to meatheads such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone. Again, the films are good, but they are over complicated in parts and, in the words of the Joker: “why so serious?”

Then other films started to take notice and you could just see the workings of all the studio heads…”Hey, lets make our film ‘dark’. It worked wonders for Bourne”.

As a result we got Casino Royale as all the franchises decided they needed a reboot. Daniel Craig’s first outing was genius (until the end when it got too mushy) with the fast cars, women and crazy stunts but none of the campness that Roger Moore tarnished the Bond name with. Quantum of Solace, however went too far, with a plot which was at best a Macguffin (which should never happen in a Bond film) and a storyline that was impossible to follow. It tried to go too far into ‘darkness’ and reality that it got boring. The Dark Knight, while being far from boring has certainly strayed into the darkness a bit more than is needed, as I believe Batman Begins had a nice balance. I’m not talking about sugary sweet happy endings, I’m talking about a film being dark and real not always equaling the best film ever. Six of the films on the list on IMDB involve fantasy or the supernatural in some way which means that over the past decade people have wanted to escape from the real world. The Dark Knight is not completely real world, but too real for a superhero movie in my opinion, as Bruce Wayne doesn’t have the super powers to fall back on as a way of divorcing himself from reality. Superman has them, and also he lives in a soft focus city seemingly stuck in the 1950s, and Spiderman has the radioactiveness and the almost too bright Technicolour world where girls scream directly into the camera.

I’m not saying that The Dark Knight and the Bourne films aren’t good because they are; they are amazing, in fact. I just don’t think they “all that”. Weird words to describe them but it is the perfect impression to use. I was once reading a movie message board, with a thread entitled “Films everyone loved, but I didn’t” and The Dark Knight was mentioned a few times.

I know this is a contentious topic among movie-lovers so what’s your opinion on it? What do you think? Are most people jumping on the ‘lets go dark’ bandwagon or do you think that superhero movies should still have an escapist quality to them? Maybe the Superman and Spiderman franchises are escapism enough, and we do need a truly troubled superhero on our screens. Who would you rather have come to your rescue; the tortured hero who has to stop and brood over things for a while, or the one who will just fly in (there’s a big hint) and take you away from the danger. You decide.

*I should add, a film that gloriously escaped the ‘reboot but make it dark’ disease was Star Trek, which went out of its way to be filled with light, both literally and figuratively while not losing any of its gravitas and brilliance. Another big thumbs up for JJ Abrams.

JJ Abrams and Me

I have undertaken a long and somewhat arduous journey, over the past few months and it has finally reached its conclusion. It has kept me up many nights and at times completely engulfed my psyche and my dreams.

Alias is the only television show that I own the complete collection of boxsets for, so I decided after my operation that in my convalescence, I should aim to watch all the episodes in a marathon that I thought would extend over weeks, but in fact turned into months. This probably was a good thing as it meant I had more of a social life than I anticipated.

I hear you ask; why was it an arduous journey? After all what is so hard about sitting down and watching hours of television? It was tough, because Alias is like a drug for me, or to be more child-friendly, like Pringles; once I pop, I can’t stop, not even if it’s 3am and I have to be up in five hours. I know that this effect is common with TV shows in boxsets. Some may have it with 24, Lost, JJ Abrams’ other show (to me, a massive waste of time and the one stain on Abrams otherwise brilliant C.V.) or The Sopranos perhaps. A boxset marathon is made that much more sweeter when you watch it after the show is finished, so you have the complete set, ripe for your viewing pleasure from start to finish.

Alias is, and always will be a true gem of television; a perfect blend of humour and solemnity; the paranormal and the real; and heightened drama and touching quiet emotional moments. Of course, you can expect nothing less from Mr Abrams who has bought this balance to all his TV and film projects, my favourite being Star Trek. Abrams is particularly good at the humour, which comes in lines of dialogue that come out of nowhere and characters that while providing the comic relief (e.g. Marshall Flinkman, played by Kevin Weisman), don’t sell out on the actual emotions of acting.

So, I have been on this journey with Sydney, Vaughn, Jack, Dixon and Sloane (and all other recurring characters) and it has been so much fun. When you watch a boxset from start to finish, you grow with the characters, you feel their disappointment and happiness and you cheer when something that you’ve wanted to happen for so long finally happens. The most notable of these occasions in Alias is Sydney and Vaughn’s first kiss. It is a perfect moment. They have just bought down the criminal organisation SD-6, the one thing that was keeping them apart and in the wreckage of Sydney’s old office, and with a fabulous musical score pushing them along, they walk towards each other and without a word, embrace. It is one of those cinematic first kisses that absolutely and truly convey the emotion of that scene. Other examples I can think of that fit into that category are Ross and Rachel’s first kiss (oh, the longing!) in Friends and Jack and Rose in Titanic (there’s a potential new blog post: Best Movie/TV Kisses).

Now I can’t end this love letter to Alias without identifying my favourite character and it’s not one of the main ones. My shortlist consisted of Michael Vaughn, because he’s so darn hot and he has such sweet moments but in the end, he’s a bit too good and not enough bad-ass for me. Another was Marshall Flinkman, because he is funny, adorable and a definitive genius. Then there was Anna Espinosa, a character that looks like so much fun to play just because she is such an over-the-top villain.

But in the end, it could only be Julian Sark (played by David Anders). The smooth-talking British bad boy who aligns himself to the villain du jour but still remains non-repulsive and in fact, rather sexy. He isn’t killed off in the end because it would be an injustice to the character. Julian Sark survives; that’s what he does.

So, all you Alias fans out there, who’s your favourite character? What was your favourite moment of the series?

It’s all about the idiot box…

Apologies once more for not posting anything in a while. I have now sold my soul to data entry just in order to get some money, and even then I haven’t had enough to frequent the cinema as much as I would like. Hence, I have not seen any new movies recently, except The Invention Of Lying, which wouldn’t make for a very intersting blogpost because the only word that comes to mind when i think of that film is ‘blah’.

I am however, glued to my television, currently following several tv shows, so expect a post on those any day soon. The shows I have committed to for the Autumn/Winter season are;

Merlin – one of the reasons I love the BBC so much, the second reason being Dr Who.

Supernatural - this show has reeled me in right from the first episode and never led me to doubt it. the new season’s take on the paranormal side of religion is both fascinating and exciting.

Ugly Betty – I am learning some very good tips from this suprisingly accurate portrayal of the cut-throat world of magazine journalism.

Emma – I may be a nut about action films, but you can’t beat Miss Austen, the undisputed queen of the rom-coms.

How I Met Your Mother – This programme fills me with warm fuzzies, and anything with Neil Patrick Harris in gets 2 gold stars in my book. And it’s on every day, meaning I don’t have to wait a whole week!

And once I get some much needed funds, I believe I will purchase season one of True Blood, because with that show, I definitely can not wait a whole week to see. Plus, if I put any more of my ‘weird’ programmes for record on my Sky +, my brother will have a coronary because there won’t be any room for Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two.

So, any shows you think I desperately need to see to improve my entertainment education? What do you think of the shows above?

“The way you don’t die, sir” – Review of The Hurt Locker

I am not a fan of films about modern warfare. I think that some of them get too bogged down with politics or start shoving the viewpoint that the Iraq War was a mistake down the audience’s throats. I prefer movies set on a more personal scale; I could more easily identify with a single person than an entire political machine. I also love my movies filled with action and visual feasts for the eyes, as you could probably guess from previous blog posts.

 Then there was The Hurt Locker.

 My mind was blown away by its sheer brilliance.

 It is a war movie, but nothing like you have ever seen. It chooses to document the perils of a bomb disposal unit stationed in Iraq, a job so dangerously exciting, it doesn’t need cinematic tricks such as frantic editing and a suspenseful score to heighten the tension. Kathryn Bigelow still uses these to full effect in the scenes involving diffusing the unpredictable home-made bombs hidden in the rubble around Baghdad. It is not so much a story that needs to be told, but more a snapshot in the life of the unit over the last month of their tour of duty. The audience are allowed to watch the film and decide for themselves what its all about. For example, I thought it was about the chemistry between the soldiers, especially when a seemingly reckless Sgt William James fills the shoes of a more careful Sgt Thompson, who is killed in action. However, my fellow cinemagoer saw the point of the film as showing that war was a drug, and some people who may be fearless in combat but are too scared to pick out one cereal from a choice of many. Admittedly the ending was more suited to the latter explanation, but this was in no way a story about one man.

Sgt James (Jeremy Renner) was on top form, but the entire cast gave a performance of a lifetime. It was refreshing to see relative unknowns in the main roles, which enabled the viewers to fully believe that they were actual soldiers and not just overpaid actors playing the tortured soldier card for an Oscar nomination. The biggest names (Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes and David Morse) were confined to smaller roles, which let the new talent of Renner, Anthony Mackie and Brian Geraghty shine through. Geraghty’s Specialist Eldridge tugged the most heartstrings as the young soldier struggling to handle the chaos around him. A heart-wrenching scene halfway through the film, involving Eldridge, was actually painfully sad to watch as Geraghty’s vulnerability is etched into his face. That is quality acting.

It’s not all wartime angst though as the action sequences are enough to rival that of any Stallone or Statham film, with plenty being blown up and several deaths by machine-gun. It is a guys film, but in the hands of a female director, has turned every gun blast and every explosion into something almost poetic, as you see a machine gun shell fall in slow motion on to the sand, or an explosion causing every particle of dust to rise in perfect unison.

The Hurt Locker left a lasting impression on those who watched it; a sign of a truly great moment of cinema.

Vampires: They’re Not Sh*t*

In a recent Empire Blog post, Helen O’Hara asked why vampires were so ‘hot right now’ (in the words of Mugatu). She asked why literary women, and those on the telebox, always preferred vampires over other supernatural beings such as werewolves and shapeshifters. She half answered her own question, and had a valid explanation as to why she was bored with it all. Vampires falling in love with humans have been a bit overkill lately. I’m not arguing with that fact, but I, like Ms O’Hara, have recently wondered why vampires are so irresistible but I think I see now** why they are so amazing to women everywhere, and how the current popularity of vampire love is no bad thing.

Helen got it right when she said that vampires=sex. Think about what part of the human body a vampire loves the most…your neck. And here it proves how the neck is one of the major erogenous zones for a woman (which all similar websites will attest to). So any man who wants to go there all the time is bound to make us all hot under the collar, even if their intention is to suck your blood and eventually kill you. In the television programme True Blood, vampires have reached a whole new level of sexuality, with their biting of the inner thighs, their heightened libido and the fact that many women want illicit affairs with them because of all this. Vampires basically epitomize raw sexuality, with their definitive bad-boy, brooding attitude hiding their tortured heart of gold (only applying to those vampires turned good, of course).

There’s also something on a much deeper level than physical attraction. Helen touched on this too when she said most vampires in popular literature and television are old-school gentlemen, mostly because they are 100+ years old. They will give dramatic flourishes to show their love, kiss you for the first time passionately and not make presumptions about going any further and at some stage, they will inevitably save you from a more hostile vampire/demon/horny man to fully prove their love.

Here also lies the key to why women love them so much; vampires are stronger and faster than mere mortals meaning the good ones are well equipped to rescue you, should you require it. Perhaps it’s because this generation’s 18 to 24-year-old females were brought up on a diet of Disney where the prince always comes to the rescue of the beautiful princess. These women were just starting to grow out of Disney when the stronger role models came along, such as Mulan and Pocahontas, where the tables were turned and they ended up saving the lives of the men they were in love with. Hence, it was all Snow White and Sleeping Beauty for the age group that all these vampire-related stories are aimed at. Now they’re all grown up, they want a mix of the age-old gentleman they remember from their childhood, and someone who embodies the sexual desires they now have as a woman. Hello Angel/Edward/Bill or whatever your vampire-turned-good is called.

There is also the idea that vampires are the ultimate outsiders and therefore unattainable. Everywhere you look in literature, film and TV, women have always been drawn to the man from the opposite end of the spectrum, whether it is economically (rich girl likes poor boy- Crazy/Beautiful) or racially (Save the Last Dance, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner). It can be agreed that a vampire (a ‘dead’ person) is at the other end of the spectrum to a living breathing woman.A few examples I can think of are Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, Ryan Atwood from The O.C., and Jack Dawson from Titanic.

Or Freud had it right when he said all people thought about was death and sex***, as a vampire perfectly embodies both these.

This is just my theory. What’s yours? Do you have an unexplained desire for vampires portrayed in the media, or is it all codswallop to you?

 

*Inspiration for the title came from this ingeniously named website I chanced upon…

 **Observations drawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Twilight (books and film), True Blood, and various studies into sexuality.

 ***Yes, I realise Freud’s theories are a little more complex than this…

Face/Off: A true fan’s love letter

New posters have gone up for Nicolas Cage’s latest venture, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans and it looks like Nic Cage will be returning to the roles that suit him best; bad-ass law-enforcement officer/flawed good guy. We all wanted to shake him when he kept playing mushy family-man/nerdy lecturer type roles when we knew he was capable of so much more (having said that, National Treasure was rather good fun).

My all-time favourite Nicolas Cage movie is Face/Off. I can watch that film over and over again and never get bored. It’s a high concept action thriller that actually works; you can believe a man can switch faces after watching it. For me, it is the best of the unofficial trilogy of Face/Off, Con Air and The Rock. I know many will disagree with me, preferring Con Air, but I want to show my reasons for my love of this stupendous gem of a film.

 

1. It does exactly what it says on the tin. It provides entertainment, thrills and the odd tear-jerking moment (the end scene when the real Sean Archer returns home). It is the perfect popcorn movie to watch when you feel like leaving the real world for a couple of hours.
2. It has Nicolas Cage in it. I don’t know why I love this actor so much but I do and there’s no use denying true love. Cage is a bit like Marmite, you either love him for his cool-as-cucumber ways or you hate him because ‘to be honest, he’s a pretty average actor and probably got where he is because of nepotism’. However, I am a believer and everytime I hear the unique drawl of his voice, I smile.
3. It has a scene with doves flying in slow-motion. That makes a film for me.
4. The soundtrack filled with pieces of orchestral music never fails to move me. And having Over The Rainbow playing over the siege on Troy’s hide-out is inspired.
5. It gives women good tips on self-defence. Stick the knife in his thigh, then twist it so the wound doesn’t close. Might come in handy one day.
6. The ending is a satisfying one. Recently, too many films of this nature have had anti-climactic endings, which leave the viewer saying: “Wait…what just happened?”. The boat chase is amazing, only slightly dampened by the stunt doubles in no way resembling the cast. The climactic moments are both tense and emotional with Cage’s Sean Archer desperately yelling “DIIIIEEEEE!”, showing just how much his life has been affected by Castor Troy. High emotion, high drama and high action; what more could you ask for in an ending.
7. It has a happy ending. I like happy endings (most of the time) and I’m not ashamed of it. The world is bleak enough, let our films at least end on a chance of hope. On the same note, the movie successfully walks a line between moody darkness and boisterous action.
8. I know I’m a girl, but Gina Gershon is hot!
9. It launched the career of Alessandro Nivola (Pollux Troy), a seriously under-estimated actor who I have never seen put less than 110% (a nice reference to his appearances in Goal and Goal 2) in his films.
10. It’s made by John Woo.

Are you convinced? Do you think Face/Off is as good as I say? Which is your favourite Nicolas Cage film, or are you a hater?

Girls just wanna have fun…

After much public demand, I have decided to do a female version of the list in the last blog post…except this time, it’s with a twist as I will be judging the top female characters as opposed to actresses.

It is a sad fact that female led action films never do as well as their male counterparts. Examples include Elektra, Underworld and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. I’m ashamed to discredit my gender but even I sometimes turn my nose up at these because for some reason the dialogue is never that good and the lead actress somehow can never quite carry the film. Out of the films listed above, I disliked the first one, never gave the second one a chance and loved the last one purely because I saw it before I learned what makes a good film, and I was in the mood for some adventure that day (see “It’s so bad, it just might work” post).

I’m not here to go on a rant about how unfair this is to the female of the species, because we could be here all day and while I’m all for equality for men and women alike, I would rather watch Surfer, Dude (it’s real, look it up) then become one of those bra burning, ‘women are better than men’ Germaine Greer-loving feminists.

All I want to do is point out the cream of the crop of badass female characters in Hollywood. They are in a very shameful minority (I was hardpressed to think of ten characters worthy of the list) but hopefully the big studio execs will come to realise if they invested in good screenwriters and credible actresses, and not boob jobs and gratuitous outfits, they would have many more blockbusters on their hands.

I have decided to exclude superheroes (or superheroines, I suppose) as that is a whole different list for a whole different day.

Thanks go to my good friend Rob Cooper for helping me compile and write this list. When I was in a new city, all by myself when it came to movie geekery, he took pity and went to see Star Trek with me, and it was the start of a beautiful friendship.

 

1. Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen)

The black widow from GoldenEye was by far the best Bond girl and that is why she tops this list. She knows exactly what she wants, gets it through any means necessary and has a very sexy Georgian accent to boot. The best thing about her is she doesn’t care about putting England into the Stone Age, or fighting for her country, all she cares about is getting her pleasure. Whether that’s from extensive use of a machinegun (shown by the orgasmic sounds she makes) or sleeping with spies, admirals and Sean Bean, Xenia will always get her kicks somehow.

Signature Move: It couldn’t be anything else but her ability to kill a man, mid coitus, using just her thighs. Many guys would love to go that way, and many women would love to have that power.

 

2. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver)

(GUEST WRITTEN BY ROB COOPER)

The Alien Quadrology may have changed over its 30-year span but the one constant is Ripley’s determination to kill all them pesky acid-blooded xeno thingys. From warrant officer to alien-hybrid clone, Ripley takes no crap and dishes a whole lot of hurting to whatever is in her sights. Thankfully, this is usually a flamethrower pointed at the aliens.

Signature Move: Using an exosuit cargo-loader to throw the queen into space. 

 

3. Sarah Connor  (Linda Hamilton)

She is the mother of the savior of the Resistance. That pretty much sums up her legend status. Without her, (and Kyle Reese of course), there would be no John Connor, and she also trained him to become the ultimate weapon against the machines. In the first film, she was a damsel in distress, but in the second, she knew what had to be done to save the world and no T-1000 could stop her.

Signature Move: Sarah Connor is all on her own, Reese is dead and the Terminator’s abdomen and head is still after her. She thinks fast, leads him into a compressor, and with the iconic, yet clichéd words: “You’re terminated, fucker”, presses the button and watches the light go out in its mechanical eyes. It was the end of the helpless Sarah Connor and the start of the hard as nails mother who wouldn’t take any shit.

 

4. The Bride (Uma Thurman)

Opinion may be divided on Quentin Tarantino but he and Uma Thurman created an iconic character in The Bride (aka Beatrix Kiddo). She stands up for herself, looks good in yellow spandex and makes brandishing a samurai sword look sexy as hell. Admittedly, she got into all this trouble because she fell for the wrong kind of man, but boy, did she get her revenge.

Signature Move: It was the moment the whole film had been geared towards: killing Bill. After dispatching the rest of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad in the most imaginative ways, audiences knew that Bill’s death had to top all that off.  The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, when administered would kill a man after 5 steps, was a fitting way for Bill to go, as he was the one who told the Bride about it in the first place.

 

5. Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner)/ Xena (Lucy Lawless)

I know this is a film blog, but I just had to include the kick-ass star of Alias, one of my favourite television shows.  Sydney Bristow can do it all, except lead a trouble-free existence (but when your mother’s a Russian spy and your father is a very moody double agent, she was doomed from the start). Sydney is the most capable agent for SD6, CIA, The Covenant, APO and all other agencies she worked for, ahead of all the men. 

Sydney was the modern version of the eponymous character in Xena: Warrior Princess. I grew up watching the Grecian demi-god every Saturday on Ch5, marveling at her skills with the boomerang discus, endlessly trying, and failing, to replicate her high-pitched war cry, and not fully understanding why she was kissing her best friend, Gabrielle. You go girl!

Signature Move: (Xena: Warrior Princess) The ability to stop a person from breathing by jabbing a pressure point in their neck. I tried to do this to my big brother once when I was eleven. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

 

6. Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss)

The Matrix is one of the greatest films of our generation (shame about the sequels) and Trinity was the yin to Neo’s yang. She kicked existential butt as much as Keanu and pulled of a leather catsuit rather well.  Shame she got too mushy when it came to Neo, and I find it really annoying in films like this where you get a girl who is equally as capable as fighting and killing as the lead character but in the end is only there to provide a love interest, and as a result a sweaty sex scene while everyone else is at a rave/orgy in Zion.

Signature Move: It is the move that has been copied and spoofed a hundred times over. Trinity, cornered by police, harnesses the power of the matrix, leaps into the air and adopts a preying mantis-like pose, freezes time to allow the camera to do a nice rotation, then takes out a police officer.  

 

7. Alice (Milla Jovovich)

(GUEST WRITTEN BY ROB COOPER)

Resident Evil; Apocalypse, Extinction was not the best trilogy in the world but when you are dealing with a video game adaptation you know who your audience will be and what they will like. Cue Alice played by Milla Jovovich. Initially suffering from amnesia, she soon realizes she is hard as nails and the one-woman killing machine comes into her own by the second film. By the third it’s up to her to save the world from the evil Umbrella corporation. And she manages to do all this while being sexy and tough.

Signature Move: Roundhouse kick to the face with her boots to ensure the zombie’s neck to broken.

 

8. Mrs Jane Smith/Fox (Angelina Jolie)

Mr and Mrs Smith was a terrible movie, and not even in the good way. Having said that, there was no denying that Angelina Jolie was perfect for the role of top assassin, Jane Smith. She’s got the tall, litheness of figure, the ability to look ferociously awesome during close-ups and the pre-requisite husky voice. Her and Mr Pitt are the only things worth watching in this film and Angelina pulls off this role in style.

Same goes for Wanted, in which she plays a super-assassin (not just a top one). Angelina was born for these kind of roles.

Signature Move: (Wanted) Driving a car with one foot, controlling a hysterical James McAvoy with the other (and also giving him a good long stare up her skirt at the same time) and shooting an oncoming assailant, revolver in one hand, shotgun in the other.

 

9. Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie)

According to IMDb, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was the biggest grossing action figure with a woman as a lead character (Aliens was second).  However, the reason Lara Croft is not higher on this list is because she never actually hurts or kills anyone on this film, making her a little too PG rated.

Signature Move: Never satisfied with just one firearm, Lara Croft is often seen fighting with two guns. She has to fend off so many supernatural beings that it saves time to sport two guns at once.

 

10. Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz)

Yes, I realise she’s a cartoon character, but let’s not forget her protecting Shrek and Donkey from the bizarrely French Robin Hood in Shrek, while at the same time homaging someone higher in this list (No 6, in case you were wondering). You don’t see Sleeping Beauty or Snow White doing that…um, except in Shrek 3. Princess Fiona is a Disney Princess on the outside and a strong independent hard-ass bitch on the inside.

Signature Move:  Making a bird explode through song. Classic.

So, there you have it. Do you think the list is comprehensive, or is it all bogus and you can think of loads of characters that would suit the bill? Comment away!