JJ Abrams and Me

I have undertaken a long and somewhat arduous journey, over the past few months and it has finally reached its conclusion. It has kept me up many nights and at times completely engulfed my psyche and my dreams.

Alias is the only television show that I own the complete collection of boxsets for, so I decided after my operation that in my convalescence, I should aim to watch all the episodes in a marathon that I thought would extend over weeks, but in fact turned into months. This probably was a good thing as it meant I had more of a social life than I anticipated.

I hear you ask; why was it an arduous journey? After all what is so hard about sitting down and watching hours of television? It was tough, because Alias is like a drug for me, or to be more child-friendly, like Pringles; once I pop, I can’t stop, not even if it’s 3am and I have to be up in five hours. I know that this effect is common with TV shows in boxsets. Some may have it with 24, Lost, JJ Abrams’ other show (to me, a massive waste of time and the one stain on Abrams otherwise brilliant C.V.) or The Sopranos perhaps. A boxset marathon is made that much more sweeter when you watch it after the show is finished, so you have the complete set, ripe for your viewing pleasure from start to finish.

Alias is, and always will be a true gem of television; a perfect blend of humour and solemnity; the paranormal and the real; and heightened drama and touching quiet emotional moments. Of course, you can expect nothing less from Mr Abrams who has bought this balance to all his TV and film projects, my favourite being Star Trek. Abrams is particularly good at the humour, which comes in lines of dialogue that come out of nowhere and characters that while providing the comic relief (e.g. Marshall Flinkman, played by Kevin Weisman), don’t sell out on the actual emotions of acting.

So, I have been on this journey with Sydney, Vaughn, Jack, Dixon and Sloane (and all other recurring characters) and it has been so much fun. When you watch a boxset from start to finish, you grow with the characters, you feel their disappointment and happiness and you cheer when something that you’ve wanted to happen for so long finally happens. The most notable of these occasions in Alias is Sydney and Vaughn’s first kiss. It is a perfect moment. They have just bought down the criminal organisation SD-6, the one thing that was keeping them apart and in the wreckage of Sydney’s old office, and with a fabulous musical score pushing them along, they walk towards each other and without a word, embrace. It is one of those cinematic first kisses that absolutely and truly convey the emotion of that scene. Other examples I can think of that fit into that category are Ross and Rachel’s first kiss (oh, the longing!) in Friends and Jack and Rose in Titanic (there’s a potential new blog post: Best Movie/TV Kisses).

Now I can’t end this love letter to Alias without identifying my favourite character and it’s not one of the main ones. My shortlist consisted of Michael Vaughn, because he’s so darn hot and he has such sweet moments but in the end, he’s a bit too good and not enough bad-ass for me. Another was Marshall Flinkman, because he is funny, adorable and a definitive genius. Then there was Anna Espinosa, a character that looks like so much fun to play just because she is such an over-the-top villain.

But in the end, it could only be Julian Sark (played by David Anders). The smooth-talking British bad boy who aligns himself to the villain du jour but still remains non-repulsive and in fact, rather sexy. He isn’t killed off in the end because it would be an injustice to the character. Julian Sark survives; that’s what he does.

So, all you Alias fans out there, who’s your favourite character? What was your favourite moment of the series?

It’s all about the idiot box…

Apologies once more for not posting anything in a while. I have now sold my soul to data entry just in order to get some money, and even then I haven’t had enough to frequent the cinema as much as I would like. Hence, I have not seen any new movies recently, except The Invention Of Lying, which wouldn’t make for a very intersting blogpost because the only word that comes to mind when i think of that film is ‘blah’.

I am however, glued to my television, currently following several tv shows, so expect a post on those any day soon. The shows I have committed to for the Autumn/Winter season are;

Merlin – one of the reasons I love the BBC so much, the second reason being Dr Who.

Supernatural - this show has reeled me in right from the first episode and never led me to doubt it. the new season’s take on the paranormal side of religion is both fascinating and exciting.

Ugly Betty – I am learning some very good tips from this suprisingly accurate portrayal of the cut-throat world of magazine journalism.

Emma – I may be a nut about action films, but you can’t beat Miss Austen, the undisputed queen of the rom-coms.

How I Met Your Mother – This programme fills me with warm fuzzies, and anything with Neil Patrick Harris in gets 2 gold stars in my book. And it’s on every day, meaning I don’t have to wait a whole week!

And once I get some much needed funds, I believe I will purchase season one of True Blood, because with that show, I definitely can not wait a whole week to see. Plus, if I put any more of my ‘weird’ programmes for record on my Sky +, my brother will have a coronary because there won’t be any room for Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two.

So, any shows you think I desperately need to see to improve my entertainment education? What do you think of the shows above?

“The way you don’t die, sir” – Review of The Hurt Locker

I am not a fan of films about modern warfare. I think that some of them get too bogged down with politics or start shoving the viewpoint that the Iraq War was a mistake down the audience’s throats. I prefer movies set on a more personal scale; I could more easily identify with a single person than an entire political machine. I also love my movies filled with action and visual feasts for the eyes, as you could probably guess from previous blog posts.

 Then there was The Hurt Locker.

 My mind was blown away by its sheer brilliance.

 It is a war movie, but nothing like you have ever seen. It chooses to document the perils of a bomb disposal unit stationed in Iraq, a job so dangerously exciting, it doesn’t need cinematic tricks such as frantic editing and a suspenseful score to heighten the tension. Kathryn Bigelow still uses these to full effect in the scenes involving diffusing the unpredictable home-made bombs hidden in the rubble around Baghdad. It is not so much a story that needs to be told, but more a snapshot in the life of the unit over the last month of their tour of duty. The audience are allowed to watch the film and decide for themselves what its all about. For example, I thought it was about the chemistry between the soldiers, especially when a seemingly reckless Sgt William James fills the shoes of a more careful Sgt Thompson, who is killed in action. However, my fellow cinemagoer saw the point of the film as showing that war was a drug, and some people who may be fearless in combat but are too scared to pick out one cereal from a choice of many. Admittedly the ending was more suited to the latter explanation, but this was in no way a story about one man.

Sgt James (Jeremy Renner) was on top form, but the entire cast gave a performance of a lifetime. It was refreshing to see relative unknowns in the main roles, which enabled the viewers to fully believe that they were actual soldiers and not just overpaid actors playing the tortured soldier card for an Oscar nomination. The biggest names (Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes and David Morse) were confined to smaller roles, which let the new talent of Renner, Anthony Mackie and Brian Geraghty shine through. Geraghty’s Specialist Eldridge tugged the most heartstrings as the young soldier struggling to handle the chaos around him. A heart-wrenching scene halfway through the film, involving Eldridge, was actually painfully sad to watch as Geraghty’s vulnerability is etched into his face. That is quality acting.

It’s not all wartime angst though as the action sequences are enough to rival that of any Stallone or Statham film, with plenty being blown up and several deaths by machine-gun. It is a guys film, but in the hands of a female director, has turned every gun blast and every explosion into something almost poetic, as you see a machine gun shell fall in slow motion on to the sand, or an explosion causing every particle of dust to rise in perfect unison.

The Hurt Locker left a lasting impression on those who watched it; a sign of a truly great moment of cinema.

Vampires: They’re Not Sh*t*

In a recent Empire Blog post, Helen O’Hara asked why vampires were so ‘hot right now’ (in the words of Mugatu). She asked why literary women, and those on the telebox, always preferred vampires over other supernatural beings such as werewolves and shapeshifters. She half answered her own question, and had a valid explanation as to why she was bored with it all. Vampires falling in love with humans have been a bit overkill lately. I’m not arguing with that fact, but I, like Ms O’Hara, have recently wondered why vampires are so irresistible but I think I see now** why they are so amazing to women everywhere, and how the current popularity of vampire love is no bad thing.

Helen got it right when she said that vampires=sex. Think about what part of the human body a vampire loves the most…your neck. And here it proves how the neck is one of the major erogenous zones for a woman (which all similar websites will attest to). So any man who wants to go there all the time is bound to make us all hot under the collar, even if their intention is to suck your blood and eventually kill you. In the television programme True Blood, vampires have reached a whole new level of sexuality, with their biting of the inner thighs, their heightened libido and the fact that many women want illicit affairs with them because of all this. Vampires basically epitomize raw sexuality, with their definitive bad-boy, brooding attitude hiding their tortured heart of gold (only applying to those vampires turned good, of course).

There’s also something on a much deeper level than physical attraction. Helen touched on this too when she said most vampires in popular literature and television are old-school gentlemen, mostly because they are 100+ years old. They will give dramatic flourishes to show their love, kiss you for the first time passionately and not make presumptions about going any further and at some stage, they will inevitably save you from a more hostile vampire/demon/horny man to fully prove their love.

Here also lies the key to why women love them so much; vampires are stronger and faster than mere mortals meaning the good ones are well equipped to rescue you, should you require it. Perhaps it’s because this generation’s 18 to 24-year-old females were brought up on a diet of Disney where the prince always comes to the rescue of the beautiful princess. These women were just starting to grow out of Disney when the stronger role models came along, such as Mulan and Pocahontas, where the tables were turned and they ended up saving the lives of the men they were in love with. Hence, it was all Snow White and Sleeping Beauty for the age group that all these vampire-related stories are aimed at. Now they’re all grown up, they want a mix of the age-old gentleman they remember from their childhood, and someone who embodies the sexual desires they now have as a woman. Hello Angel/Edward/Bill or whatever your vampire-turned-good is called.

There is also the idea that vampires are the ultimate outsiders and therefore unattainable. Everywhere you look in literature, film and TV, women have always been drawn to the man from the opposite end of the spectrum, whether it is economically (rich girl likes poor boy- Crazy/Beautiful) or racially (Save the Last Dance, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner). It can be agreed that a vampire (a ‘dead’ person) is at the other end of the spectrum to a living breathing woman.A few examples I can think of are Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, Ryan Atwood from The O.C., and Jack Dawson from Titanic.

Or Freud had it right when he said all people thought about was death and sex***, as a vampire perfectly embodies both these.

This is just my theory. What’s yours? Do you have an unexplained desire for vampires portrayed in the media, or is it all codswallop to you?

 

*Inspiration for the title came from this ingeniously named website I chanced upon…

 **Observations drawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Twilight (books and film), True Blood, and various studies into sexuality.

 ***Yes, I realise Freud’s theories are a little more complex than this…

Face/Off: A true fan’s love letter

New posters have gone up for Nicolas Cage’s latest venture, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans and it looks like Nic Cage will be returning to the roles that suit him best; bad-ass law-enforcement officer/flawed good guy. We all wanted to shake him when he kept playing mushy family-man/nerdy lecturer type roles when we knew he was capable of so much more (having said that, National Treasure was rather good fun).

My all-time favourite Nicolas Cage movie is Face/Off. I can watch that film over and over again and never get bored. It’s a high concept action thriller that actually works; you can believe a man can switch faces after watching it. For me, it is the best of the unofficial trilogy of Face/Off, Con Air and The Rock. I know many will disagree with me, preferring Con Air, but I want to show my reasons for my love of this stupendous gem of a film.

 

1. It does exactly what it says on the tin. It provides entertainment, thrills and the odd tear-jerking moment (the end scene when the real Sean Archer returns home). It is the perfect popcorn movie to watch when you feel like leaving the real world for a couple of hours.
2. It has Nicolas Cage in it. I don’t know why I love this actor so much but I do and there’s no use denying true love. Cage is a bit like Marmite, you either love him for his cool-as-cucumber ways or you hate him because ‘to be honest, he’s a pretty average actor and probably got where he is because of nepotism’. However, I am a believer and everytime I hear the unique drawl of his voice, I smile.
3. It has a scene with doves flying in slow-motion. That makes a film for me.
4. The soundtrack filled with pieces of orchestral music never fails to move me. And having Over The Rainbow playing over the siege on Troy’s hide-out is inspired.
5. It gives women good tips on self-defence. Stick the knife in his thigh, then twist it so the wound doesn’t close. Might come in handy one day.
6. The ending is a satisfying one. Recently, too many films of this nature have had anti-climactic endings, which leave the viewer saying: “Wait…what just happened?”. The boat chase is amazing, only slightly dampened by the stunt doubles in no way resembling the cast. The climactic moments are both tense and emotional with Cage’s Sean Archer desperately yelling “DIIIIEEEEE!”, showing just how much his life has been affected by Castor Troy. High emotion, high drama and high action; what more could you ask for in an ending.
7. It has a happy ending. I like happy endings (most of the time) and I’m not ashamed of it. The world is bleak enough, let our films at least end on a chance of hope. On the same note, the movie successfully walks a line between moody darkness and boisterous action.
8. I know I’m a girl, but Gina Gershon is hot!
9. It launched the career of Alessandro Nivola (Pollux Troy), a seriously under-estimated actor who I have never seen put less than 110% (a nice reference to his appearances in Goal and Goal 2) in his films.
10. It’s made by John Woo.

Are you convinced? Do you think Face/Off is as good as I say? Which is your favourite Nicolas Cage film, or are you a hater?

Girls just wanna have fun…

After much public demand, I have decided to do a female version of the list in the last blog post…except this time, it’s with a twist as I will be judging the top female characters as opposed to actresses.

It is a sad fact that female led action films never do as well as their male counterparts. Examples include Elektra, Underworld and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. I’m ashamed to discredit my gender but even I sometimes turn my nose up at these because for some reason the dialogue is never that good and the lead actress somehow can never quite carry the film. Out of the films listed above, I disliked the first one, never gave the second one a chance and loved the last one purely because I saw it before I learned what makes a good film, and I was in the mood for some adventure that day (see “It’s so bad, it just might work” post).

I’m not here to go on a rant about how unfair this is to the female of the species, because we could be here all day and while I’m all for equality for men and women alike, I would rather watch Surfer, Dude (it’s real, look it up) then become one of those bra burning, ‘women are better than men’ Germaine Greer-loving feminists.

All I want to do is point out the cream of the crop of badass female characters in Hollywood. They are in a very shameful minority (I was hardpressed to think of ten characters worthy of the list) but hopefully the big studio execs will come to realise if they invested in good screenwriters and credible actresses, and not boob jobs and gratuitous outfits, they would have many more blockbusters on their hands.

I have decided to exclude superheroes (or superheroines, I suppose) as that is a whole different list for a whole different day.

Thanks go to my good friend Rob Cooper for helping me compile and write this list. When I was in a new city, all by myself when it came to movie geekery, he took pity and went to see Star Trek with me, and it was the start of a beautiful friendship.

 

1. Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen)

The black widow from GoldenEye was by far the best Bond girl and that is why she tops this list. She knows exactly what she wants, gets it through any means necessary and has a very sexy Georgian accent to boot. The best thing about her is she doesn’t care about putting England into the Stone Age, or fighting for her country, all she cares about is getting her pleasure. Whether that’s from extensive use of a machinegun (shown by the orgasmic sounds she makes) or sleeping with spies, admirals and Sean Bean, Xenia will always get her kicks somehow.

Signature Move: It couldn’t be anything else but her ability to kill a man, mid coitus, using just her thighs. Many guys would love to go that way, and many women would love to have that power.

 

2. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver)

(GUEST WRITTEN BY ROB COOPER)

The Alien Quadrology may have changed over its 30-year span but the one constant is Ripley’s determination to kill all them pesky acid-blooded xeno thingys. From warrant officer to alien-hybrid clone, Ripley takes no crap and dishes a whole lot of hurting to whatever is in her sights. Thankfully, this is usually a flamethrower pointed at the aliens.

Signature Move: Using an exosuit cargo-loader to throw the queen into space. 

 

3. Sarah Connor  (Linda Hamilton)

She is the mother of the savior of the Resistance. That pretty much sums up her legend status. Without her, (and Kyle Reese of course), there would be no John Connor, and she also trained him to become the ultimate weapon against the machines. In the first film, she was a damsel in distress, but in the second, she knew what had to be done to save the world and no T-1000 could stop her.

Signature Move: Sarah Connor is all on her own, Reese is dead and the Terminator’s abdomen and head is still after her. She thinks fast, leads him into a compressor, and with the iconic, yet clichéd words: “You’re terminated, fucker”, presses the button and watches the light go out in its mechanical eyes. It was the end of the helpless Sarah Connor and the start of the hard as nails mother who wouldn’t take any shit.

 

4. The Bride (Uma Thurman)

Opinion may be divided on Quentin Tarantino but he and Uma Thurman created an iconic character in The Bride (aka Beatrix Kiddo). She stands up for herself, looks good in yellow spandex and makes brandishing a samurai sword look sexy as hell. Admittedly, she got into all this trouble because she fell for the wrong kind of man, but boy, did she get her revenge.

Signature Move: It was the moment the whole film had been geared towards: killing Bill. After dispatching the rest of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad in the most imaginative ways, audiences knew that Bill’s death had to top all that off.  The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, when administered would kill a man after 5 steps, was a fitting way for Bill to go, as he was the one who told the Bride about it in the first place.

 

5. Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner)/ Xena (Lucy Lawless)

I know this is a film blog, but I just had to include the kick-ass star of Alias, one of my favourite television shows.  Sydney Bristow can do it all, except lead a trouble-free existence (but when your mother’s a Russian spy and your father is a very moody double agent, she was doomed from the start). Sydney is the most capable agent for SD6, CIA, The Covenant, APO and all other agencies she worked for, ahead of all the men. 

Sydney was the modern version of the eponymous character in Xena: Warrior Princess. I grew up watching the Grecian demi-god every Saturday on Ch5, marveling at her skills with the boomerang discus, endlessly trying, and failing, to replicate her high-pitched war cry, and not fully understanding why she was kissing her best friend, Gabrielle. You go girl!

Signature Move: (Xena: Warrior Princess) The ability to stop a person from breathing by jabbing a pressure point in their neck. I tried to do this to my big brother once when I was eleven. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

 

6. Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss)

The Matrix is one of the greatest films of our generation (shame about the sequels) and Trinity was the yin to Neo’s yang. She kicked existential butt as much as Keanu and pulled of a leather catsuit rather well.  Shame she got too mushy when it came to Neo, and I find it really annoying in films like this where you get a girl who is equally as capable as fighting and killing as the lead character but in the end is only there to provide a love interest, and as a result a sweaty sex scene while everyone else is at a rave/orgy in Zion.

Signature Move: It is the move that has been copied and spoofed a hundred times over. Trinity, cornered by police, harnesses the power of the matrix, leaps into the air and adopts a preying mantis-like pose, freezes time to allow the camera to do a nice rotation, then takes out a police officer.  

 

7. Alice (Milla Jovovich)

(GUEST WRITTEN BY ROB COOPER)

Resident Evil; Apocalypse, Extinction was not the best trilogy in the world but when you are dealing with a video game adaptation you know who your audience will be and what they will like. Cue Alice played by Milla Jovovich. Initially suffering from amnesia, she soon realizes she is hard as nails and the one-woman killing machine comes into her own by the second film. By the third it’s up to her to save the world from the evil Umbrella corporation. And she manages to do all this while being sexy and tough.

Signature Move: Roundhouse kick to the face with her boots to ensure the zombie’s neck to broken.

 

8. Mrs Jane Smith/Fox (Angelina Jolie)

Mr and Mrs Smith was a terrible movie, and not even in the good way. Having said that, there was no denying that Angelina Jolie was perfect for the role of top assassin, Jane Smith. She’s got the tall, litheness of figure, the ability to look ferociously awesome during close-ups and the pre-requisite husky voice. Her and Mr Pitt are the only things worth watching in this film and Angelina pulls off this role in style.

Same goes for Wanted, in which she plays a super-assassin (not just a top one). Angelina was born for these kind of roles.

Signature Move: (Wanted) Driving a car with one foot, controlling a hysterical James McAvoy with the other (and also giving him a good long stare up her skirt at the same time) and shooting an oncoming assailant, revolver in one hand, shotgun in the other.

 

9. Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie)

According to IMDb, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was the biggest grossing action figure with a woman as a lead character (Aliens was second).  However, the reason Lara Croft is not higher on this list is because she never actually hurts or kills anyone on this film, making her a little too PG rated.

Signature Move: Never satisfied with just one firearm, Lara Croft is often seen fighting with two guns. She has to fend off so many supernatural beings that it saves time to sport two guns at once.

 

10. Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz)

Yes, I realise she’s a cartoon character, but let’s not forget her protecting Shrek and Donkey from the bizarrely French Robin Hood in Shrek, while at the same time homaging someone higher in this list (No 6, in case you were wondering). You don’t see Sleeping Beauty or Snow White doing that…um, except in Shrek 3. Princess Fiona is a Disney Princess on the outside and a strong independent hard-ass bitch on the inside.

Signature Move:  Making a bird explode through song. Classic.

So, there you have it. Do you think the list is comprehensive, or is it all bogus and you can think of loads of characters that would suit the bill? Comment away!

The film will continue after this short intermission…

Apologies for not posting anything for a while, but what with exams and shoulder operations, my blog has sadly taken a tumble down my list of priorities.

Now, however, I’m back! Admittedly, at a slower pace because I am typing with one hand.

Upcoming posts include female characters that could shoot the nuts off a squirrel and would only ever use a spatula in foreplay; and Top 10 car films.

Watch this space…

Baddest man in the whole damn town…

Sylvester Stallone has recently turned 63, but age is not something that will put this action legend off. If you are like me, then you are literally wetting yourself over the much mooted The Expendables. The current summary on IMDB is:  “A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.” In just one sentence, they have encapsulated just how much this film is going to kick ass…literally!

If you continue to scroll down on the IMDB page, your eyes will pop at the massive action man talent, with Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke and the great man himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger (this film must be the shiznit, if he said no to Terminator: Salvation but yes to this). The huge sausagefest is not without its ‘leading’ ladies with Charisma Carpenter stepping in, reportedly to fill the shoes left by Sandra Bullock (last seen with Stallone in the incredibly awesome Demolition Man), and the very sexy Brittany Murphy.

As my love of lists continues, I thought I would give you my top 10 action heroes. Actually, that’s a bit of a loose term, some of the people on the list are not bonafide action stars but they are, uncontestably badass.  Some have played both heroes and villains but they have all been pumped with more testosterone than a team of boxers and wrestlers in a rugby scrum (including all the homoeroticism that comes as standard).

For clarification’s sake, I am not judging the list on acting talent, in fact, it’s probably the opposite. The list is according to who I think can pull off being the baddest motherf**ker.

10. Thomas Jane

He had to make it on to the list because when I saw The Punisher I saw his true action-legend potential. He does moody just right with a splash of humour just for good measure, which in essence is what every action hero should be.

Best one-liner: “I made you kill your best friend. I made you kill your wife. Now I’ve killed you.”

9. Dolph Lundgren

Dolph had to be on the list, purely for his fabulous turn in Rocky IV. He was as hard as a diamond in that film. The blond hair, the Russian demeanour and the steroid-pumped body made him a worthy opponent to Rocky, and you could believe he can kill a man with his fists.

Best one-liner: “I must break you.”

8. Jason Statham

He is Britain’s answer to Arnie with his muscles and fabulous gravelly voice. Even his name screams ‘well hard’ (but not as much as JCVD, of course). He also does funny quite well with his turns in Snatch and his hilarious role as mad Monk in Mean Machine.

Best one-liner: “It’s not a tickling competition, Tommy.”

7. Bruce Willis

After the legend of the Die Hard series (even 4.0), it seems a bit harsh to put him quite low on the list but he’s done too much of other legitimate film making to warrant a higher place. Bruce Willis is old school; a true legend of the 80s and early 90s. He rocked the wifebeater covered in sweat and grime look and could pull of some of the better catchphrases in action film history. Our hats go off to you, John McClane.

Best one-liner: “Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**ker.” 

6. Samuel L. Jackson

Pulp Fiction and Snakes on a Plane are the reasons for Samuel L’s appearance on this list as he is without a doubt, as his wallet in Pulp Fiction claims, a bad motherf**ker. I know purists will say that I could have chosen a better one liner, but there was too much to choose from Pulp Fiction (and I wasn’t about to quote the whole of his Ezekiel speech).

Best one-liner: “I have had it with these motherf**kin’ snakes on this motherf**kin’ plane!”

5. Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD)

The Muscles from Brussels is the poor man’s Arnie with his European accent and bulging biceps. With films like Legionnaire, No Retreat, No Surrender and Universal Soldier, it’s a wonder he didn’t make it further in the world of Hollywood action…

Best one-liner: “What accent?”

4. Stephen Seagal

Under Siege was when i first saw this legend, a status he achieved because he was the cook that saved the ship (making the film poster with him in full naval uniform pretty dumb). It was a shock to see him making such a quick exit in Executive Decision but his ego needed taking down a peg or two as his over-inflated head is getting to big to fit on a cinema screen.

Best one-liner: “Nah, I’m just a cook.”

3. Harrison Ford

I realise this is a bit of an odd choice but I did not want the top five to be occupied with the brainless meatballs that the rest are. Ford has charm along with his couldn’t-care-less attitude, seen in the Star Wars and Indiana Jones films. He was the kind of hero you could imagine taking home to meet your parents, just after he saved you from Russian terrorists.

Best one-liner: “Get off my plane.”

2. Sylvester Stallone

Sly Stallone broke the mould of all muscle-no brain when he wrote the moving and endearing Rocky screenplays. The even bigger surprise was that Rocky Balboa, a film that was never meant to work, was one of the best in the series. Shame about Rambo though…  

Best one-liner: “You’re gonna regret this for the rest of your life… both seconds of it.” 

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger

The king of badass motherf**kery was the only one who could take this place on the list. Even the CGI version blew my mind in Terminator: Salvation. He has the best catchphrases, awesomely inventive fight scenes (the epic clash against Bennet in Commando springs to mind), and, of course, the amazingly perfect Austrian accent. All that makes him top of my list; Arnie, you are a legend.

Best one-liners: “I’ll be back.”

(to Satan) “You’re a f**king choir boy compared to me! A CHOIR BOY!”

“Hasta la vista, baby”

 “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

…and so many more!

 

Those who didn’t make it on the list:

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson (not hard core enough),

Nicolas Cage (he went from comedy beatnik, to action hero to general pansy),

Casper Van Dien (too obscure),

Jackie Chan (a bit too bland, and not badass enough, im afraid),

Vin Diesel (got the muscles but a tad too soft in his overall demeanour).

 

So, who is your favourite bad ass? Who gives you a frisson of excitement when you see him in kickass mode?

It’s so bad, it just might work…

In the light of Michael Jackson’s recent demise, I started thinking how I could be like the countless other bloggers and include him in some way, no matter how tenuous, in their posts. So here I go. Remember the film he was in, many years back, called Moonwalker? I haven’t seen it since I was nine years old, and to be frank, I don’t want to. I remember a truly magical film, filled with suspense and action and homeless children (if I remember correctly on that last part). It was more than a guilty pleasure, because I don’t watch it over and over again.

It is one of those films, that because of the circumstances, whether you were having a really good day, or it cheered you up when you were down, it coloured your appreciation for the film, turning it from a steaming pile of excrement to a legitimate film that doesn’t quite top your list but it would be one you would definitely keep at the back of your DVD collection for lonely rainy days.

I can think of a number of films that this applies to for me, because my emotions at the time of viewing always affect how I see a movie. The first one that comes to is Mannequin. Now I’m sure everyone can agree is an amazingly awful film, with the dirty undertones that he is in effect having sex with a blow up doll, and an unforgivably greasy performance from James Spader…all perfect for an 80s film though, an era which can not be matched for films that are so bad, they’re brilliant. I first watched that film at 4am, having not slept a wink because of pain from an operation two days before. The deliriously good opium-based painkillers had worn off, but too quickly so I couldn’t take anymore, so I faced a painful and boring night when it started on the random Sky Movie channel I was watching. It. Was. Amazing. It cheered me up, it was funny and don’t get me started on the eye candy that was Andrew McCarthy. Now, as I prepare to undergo a second operation on the same shoulder, I have it on the top of my list of films to watch while I recover.

The next movie which is so fantastically awful is Commando. No one can beat Arnie for all round cheesiness (Stallone, JCVD and Seagal try to compete but don’t quite make it). The one liners are superb and it is perfect fare to watch when you just want a fun night in with friends. Commando is one of those acceptable crap films though, unlike my next choice which I fear will put me in disrepute for a while…

High School Musical shocked me to my very core when I first watched it, because I found myself liking it. The heart wants what it wants, and I was ashamed at first that I found the songs catchy, not all of the acting cringeworthy and some parts quite funny, but in the end, I thought ‘to hell with it’ and put it firmly in my guilty pleasures box. The next two films were just plain crap (with no good things about them at all) as it was just Disney flogging a very expensive dead horse (and somehow still making more money) but the first one was innovative for its generation. I firmly believe that in the same way that Michael Jackson is our generation’s Elvis, High School Musical is this era’s Grease.

My final choice are two films that fall under the same category, so can be counted as one. Dude, Where’s my Car? and Harold and Kumar go to White Castle (or Harold and Kumar get the Munchies as the English title because we don’t have White Castle over here) are both very popular ‘stoner’ movies, not just because they are about stoners, but because you need to be heavily intoxicated before exposing yourself to them. I was neither drunk or stoned when I saw both, yet I still loved them, because like many Will Ferrell films, it was laugh-out-loud funny and so highly quotable (“And theeeeen….”) that just watching it with friends who equally appreciate the silliness was enough. There’s my inadvertent anti-drugs message; who needs drugs when you’ve got friends who can laugh with you!

So, what is your favourite ’so-crap-they’re-amazing’ film?

Hey there, sports fans!

There has been a sports overload of late. The Twenty20 cricket tournament has just finished to let Wimbledon take over the telebox, the rise and fall of Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton, respectfully, has made Formula One that bit more interesting and I’m pretty sure something is going on with rugby somewhere in the world.

But it got me thinking…what are the best sporting films over the years? I’ve always been partial to making lists (expect more of them in the future) so here is my Top 10 films about sports. I should mention that these aren’t necessarily the best films ever made, but they certainly gave me enjoyment and had the entertainment factor.

10. Bring it On/Happy Gilmore

I couldn’t choose so last place is tied. Bring it On has a fabulous soundtrack, absolutely amazing cheerleading sequences and cheesy lines and characters.

Favourite line:

“Darcy, you should stop eating. You see, when you skip a meal, your body feeds off its fat stores. And if you skip enough, maybe your body will eat your ass!”

Happy Gilmore on the other hand is just a laugh a minute as Adam Sandler hams it up in his usual style. There is no denying that he made golf fun and it had Apollo Creed in it!

Favourite line:

Shooter McGavin: “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.”

Happy Gilmore: “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?!”

 

9. Dodgeball

This was a true gem of a film, being one of the first of the random sports films (Will Ferrell ruined it as Blades of Glory and Semi Pro paled in comparison). It had a hilarious cast, all the comedy they could possibly pack in an hour and a half and a totally unnecessary lesbian three-way kiss at the end.

Favourite line:

“Son, you’re about as useful as a cock-flavoured lollipop.”

 

8. Wimbledon

Yes, yes, I know it is a chick flick but there is some exciting tennis action in there as well. I remember watching the final on the edge of my seat because you’re never sure whether he’s actually going to win (he did get the girl after all). Overall, it was a good film with Paul Bettany on top comedic form as well as being rather dishy. The less said about John McEnroe’s cameo, the better.

Favourite line:

Lizzie Bradbury: “Good thing you didn’t get the wrong window.”

Peter Colt: “I did, but your dad’s a very quick shag.”

 

7. Remember The Titans

I know nothing about American football but I was hooked with this film. Of course it used the usual cheap tricks to get an audience tearing up; overcoming racism, two people becoming friends despite the odds, communities working together etc etc, but one trick it did do very well was the musical score. I believe it was one of the first films to use music to indicate the way the football game was going, for those like me who have no clue when one team is winning or losing. Genius, as it became so much more accessible.

Favourite line:

“Let me tell you somthing: you don’t let anyone come between us. Nothing tears us apart. In Greek mythology, the Titans were greater even than the gods. They ruled their universe with absolute power. Well that football field out there, that’s our universe. Let’s rule it like titans.”

 

6. The Mighty Ducks

I am sure everyone in my generation have this film fondly in their hearts. How can you forget the reluctant Gordon Bombay being softened up by wayward kids; going from driving his limo on the ice to becoming an honorary Duck.

Favourite line:

Gordon Bombay:“ Are we Ducks or what?”

 

5. Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

When I watch this film, I can tell that it’s one of those perfectly crafted yet wonderfully improvised films. If comedy was a fine art, then this film would be in the Louvre. There were no unfunny moments and it almost had as many classic lines as Anchorman (nothing can beat that film for the quote fest it was). Oh, and it had fast cars! What more could you ask for?!

Favourite line(s):

“Shake and bake!”

“if you aint first, you’re last.”

“I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.”

“I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey.”

“I’m all hopped up on Mountain Dew.”

“America gave you the missionary position. You’re welcome.”

 

4. Mean Machine

Perhaps one of the funniest football film I’ve ever seen. I haven’t seen the original The Longest Yard (which this film is based on) but ive seen the remake with Adam Sandler and this certainly trumps it as England show they do football and comedy very well. The highlight was Jason Statham as mad Monk and Danny Dyer as the beyond cute Billy the Limpet..

Favourite line:

“Abso-fucking-lutely Bob.”

 

3. Cool Runnings

No words can describe the perfect brilliance of this film. Again, a highly quotable film, so I’m going to let it do the talking.

Favourite line(s):

“Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it’s bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!

“All I’m saying, mon, is if we walk Jamaican, talk Jamaican, and *is* Jamaican, then we sure as hell better bobsled Jamaican.”

“Rise and shine, it’s butt whippin time.”

“How bout I draw a line down the middle of your head so it looks like a butt.”

 

2. Lagaan

You haven’t experienced cricket till you’ve seen the film. Just make sure you have plenty of time to spare and a subtitles on your DVD. The film focuses on a village whose whole future relies on a cricket game with the English officers during the British Raj. This is a true sports movie as they have to overcome so many odds and you are with the tiny Indian village every step of the way. I recommend that those who haven’t watched this film, go see it as soon as they can.

Favourite line:

“Let me remind you all of one thing: this is not a game we are playing for fun and entertainment; this is a fight we must win.”

 

1. Rocky IV

So here is the first choice, and what else could it have been! Rocky IV is the best of all the Rocky films. It had the most drama, some of the best montages and the ice cold Russian Ivan Drago. It also was the last of the series (Rocky V was a step too far) before Rocky Balboa and it did a hell of a job. The fights were epic, the soundtrack indescribably uplifting and it reminded me why I loved sports films so much.

Favourite line:

“If he dies, he dies.”

What do you think then? What’s your favourite sports film?